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New Year, Better Me

January 2, 2018

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New Year, Better Me

January 2, 2018

 

Have you ever been afraid? Like really afraid?

Maybe you are afraid of heights.

Or maybe you are afraid of the dark.

Perhaps you are afraid of spiders or clowns.

 

No matter what you are afraid of, I am here tell you that you are not alone in your fears. 

My name is Porsha Williams, and for the past 27 years I have lived afraid. 

 

Seriously.

 

I may not have the same exact fears as you, but I can say that I have lived in a constant state of fear of myself. 

 

In a pervious post in August of 2017, I mentioned that I I didn't like the sound of my own voice and I didn't feel as if I had anything to say. It wasn't until December of 2017 did I understand why.

 

I am afraid. 

A scaredy cat.

A chicken.

Afraid.

 

Fear is what I know. It has brought me comfort. It has provided stability. It has been both my prison and my safe haven. Sheltered from the world, but yet still protected from it.  

 

I haven't been doing myself any favors by living in fear. I have robbed the world of my voice because I can't seem to shake my fears. For instance, I wanted to start a podcast back in 2015. Here we are in 2018 and I have yet to start it.

 

But that has to change. 

 

As I look back on 2017, I can say that I tried to be as vocal as I knew how. But there were several moments that I had the opportunity to speak, but I remained silent. 

 

With the administration of 45, there were ample things to comment on. With all the wonders of black girl magic of 2017, there were ample things to share. There is no clear reason as to why I was not speaking as much as I should have been in 2017.

 

What I can say is this: in the silence of my fear, I learned more about who I am. I learned that I am someone who has dreams and passions like the next person. I learned that I am more than a preacher and more than just a clergy girl. I have other gifts inside of me. 

 

And then there are critics. I have literally watch people rip others to shreds in the digital space and that isn't cool. 

 

But that has to change. 

 

I cannot allow myself to withhold my voice just because I am afraid of critics. Truth be told, everyone is going to have a critic. Putting yourself out there is difficult enough as it is and to be cut down in the middle of being vulnerable doesn't ease the process. 

 

But if I am going to be of better service in 2018, I need to start that podcast. I need to keep writing. I need to keep speaking and teaching. I need to keep on pressing on until I can fully love and embrace the sound of my own voice and the words that flow from me.

 

And so, this year, I am going to do something different. I am going to do what I need to do, even though I am afraid. If I am going to do it, I am going to do it afraid...but at least I can say I did it right?